Judith Martin

“Freedom without rules doesn't work. And communities do not work unless they are regulated by etiquette.”

“Parents should conduct their arguments in quiet, respectful tones, but in a foreign language. You'd be surprised what an inducement that is to the education of children.”

“One of the big no-nos in cyberspace is that you do not go into a social activity, a chat group or something like that, and start advertising or selling things. This etiquette rule is an attempt to separate one's social life, which should be pure enjoyment and relaxation, from the pressures of work.”

“I make a distinction between manners and etiquette - manners as the principles, which are eternal and universal, etiquette as the particular rules which are arbitrary and different in different times, different situations, different cultures.”

“We are all born rude. No infant has ever appeared yet with the grace to understand how inconsiderate it is to disturb others in the middle of the night.”

“When a society abandons its ideals just because most people can't live up to them, behavior gets very ugly indeed.”

“When virtues are pointed out first, flaws seem less insurmountable.”

“There are three social classes in America: upper middle class, middle class, and lower middle class.”

“My children did not go through a stage of being rude to their parents. I'm sorry if that sounds incredible.”

“You do not have to do everything disagreeable that you have a right to do.”

“Etiquette is all human social behavior. If you're a hermit on a mountain, you don't have to worry about etiquette; if somebody comes up the mountain, then you've got a problem. It matters because we want to live in reasonably harmonious communities.”

“I am a traditionalist, and I'm an innovator. Most of what I do is to weigh change and legislate to the best of my ability on what should change and what should not. Do I have a respect for tradition? Of course I do. Do I have a blind belief in it? No.”

“Presents are symbolic. When you give them in your personal life, they should show that you are paying attention to the person to whom you're giving them.”

“There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted.”

“If written directions alone would suffice, libraries wouldn't need to have the rest of the universities attached.”

“We're now seeing email that people thought they had deleted showing up as evidence in court. You can't erase email. As that becomes more commonly realized, people will be a little wiser about what they type.”

“Chaperons don't enforce morality; they force immorality to be discreet.”

“Chaperons, even in their days of glory, were almost never able to enforce morality; what they did was to force immorality to be discreet. This is no small contribution.”

“I try to behave myself, and I succeed.”

“Etiquette does not render you defenseless. If it did, even I wouldn't subscribe to it. But rudeness in retaliation for rudeness just doubles the amount of rudeness in the world.”