A biography for W. C. Fieldshasn’t been written yet.
“I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.”
“Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.”
“Never give a sucker an even break.”
“I like children - fried.”
“Here lies W. C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.”
“There are only two real ways to get ahead today - sell liquor or drink it.”
“It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.”
“I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.”
“If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.”
“On the whole, I'd rather be in Philidelphia.”
“Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.”
“Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.”
“Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.”
“When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.”
“There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.”
“Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?”
“Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.”
“Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.”
“The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.”
“You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.”