W. C. Fields

“Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.”

“Children should neither be seen or heard from - ever again.”

“All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.”

“I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.”

“I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.”

“If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.”

“I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.”

“Now don't say you can't swear off drinking; it's easy. I've done it a thousand times.”

“Abstaining is favorable both to the head and the pocket.”

“I was in love with a beautiful blonde once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.”

“I drink therefore I am.”

“Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.”

“I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.”

“No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.”

“Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.”

“Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.”

“I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.”

“Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.”

“If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.”

“Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.”