Lois Greiman

“Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.”

“Maybe money can't buy happiness, but it can get you a nice little villa in Tuscany, and that's close enough for me.”

“It ate a party till someone ends up naked.”

“If at 1st you don't succeed, stretch out on your La-Z-Boy with a six-pack and a porn flick. Y' still won't succeed, but you sure as hell won't give a shift.”

“Maybe in fairytales you're only as old as you feel, but here in L. A. you're every second as old as your pores.”

“I'd rather be pissed off then pissed on.”

“Generally, men are superior in the areas of heavy lifting, where there's a past only by pachyderms and building cranes. Beyond that, I believe any right-thinking thinking will see that women have the indisputable advantage.”

“If they really wanted us to resist temptation, they shouldn't a made it so damn tempting.”

“Even choosing the perfect dinner wine loses its earth-shattering importance if your guests happen to be cannibals, and you, the unsuspecting entree.”

“A friend is someone who will bike to the ice cream shop with you, even when you don't look so good.”

“I fear that someday you will abandon the joys we share and find another not worthy of your charms.”

“You're gonna sit down. You're gonna shut up. And by the grace of God Almighty, I ain't gonna kill you.”

“Dating--the socially accepted alternative to the rack.”

“You really don't know a person until you spend some time in their panties.”

“Opportunity may only knock once, but temptation'll knock down the damn door and drag you out by the hair.”

“Women have to be in the mood for sex. Men have to be breathing.”

“Booze and boys, ain't nothing in the universe that'll make a girl stupid faster.”

“Just remember this, Missy, escargot ain't nothin' but snails with their noses stuck in the air.”

“In my opinion, kissing a lady's hand is a fine tradition. After all, a man must start somewhere.”

“I'm just an everyday kind of hero. If the everyday kind saves babies from burning buildings and looks hotter than hell in bunker gear.”