Lois Greiman

“Some people say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. In actuality, you have to make an incision through his skin, both dermis and epidermis, then carefully sever and separate the sternum. Only upon viewing the exposed thoracic cavity can you reach the heart--if indeed the male of the species actually possesses such an organ.”

“Jealousy. It's a terrible thing. Unless it's someone else's.”

“Taxes for people with too much damned time on their hands.”

“A pigs and pain, until you really get to know 'em. Then he's a paid with the soul.”

“Maybe curiosity did kill your cat. But it wouldn't hurt to keep an eye on the neighbor's rottweiler just the same.”

“A balanced diet and a brisk daily walk will help keep you healthy, but there's nothing like a good-looking young man with a nice butt to help up your cardiovascular system.”

“There are lots of fish in the sea. Some are sharks, some are angels, and some are bottom feeders.”

“Lust and love. They both put a fire in your damn shorts.”

“Breaking up is hard to do. But, bustin him in the head ain't that easy, either.”

“All's well so long-as you don't get shot in the hind end with a twenty gauge.”

“Some men are warriors and some men are weenies. The trick is figuring out which is which.”

“If it looks like a cat, walks like a cat, and has whiskers like a cat, it's probably a damn cat. But if it eats your groceries, messes up your kitchen, and makes you want to rip out your hair by the roots, you either married it or gave birth to it”

“There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who enjoy a nice salami and those who have no souls.”

“I don't need no PMS. I can bitch under my own steam.”

“Honesty is the best policy. But insanity is a hell of a lot more effective in court. So your set, McMullen”

“Maybe life does suck, Pork Chop, but it beats the hell out of the alternative.”

“Love may be blind, but lust is just damn stupid.”

“I'd love to go out with you, but I'd hate to deprive some village of its idiot.”

“Celibacy sucks, no pun intended.”

“If I want to catch the damn worm I get outta bed.”