Karl Pilkington

“All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.”

“It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.”

“I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.”

“You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.”

“I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.”

“There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about "oh the baby's lovely." They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.”

“I don't know what I'm meant to do. I'm not important, am I? I'm not doing anything that makes a difference.”

“I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.”

“It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.”

“I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.”

“To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?”

“I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.”

“I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.”

“With acting, I didn't get much from it.”

“I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.”

“I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.”

“I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.”

“I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.”

“Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?”

“It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.”