Jerry Seinfeld

“My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.”

“I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.”

“Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.”

“A lot of advertising has gotten worse. I think it's kind of lost its nerve, to be honest with you. I feel like the advertising of the '60s, they were nervier. You know why? Because there was less at stake.”

“The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.”

“I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.”

“I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.”

“If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.”

“Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.”

“Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.”

“You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.”

“It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.”

“Taking in a baseball game on TV is also a big treat.”

“I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.”

“Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.”

“We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.”

“Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.”

“For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.”

“When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business; I have to humiliate myself.”

“Forty to 60 I would say is your prime. That's when you know the most, you've seen the most, you understand the most, and you still have some physical energy.”