Jerry Seinfeld

“I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.”

“The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.”

“Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.”

“That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.”

“I've done a number of Super Bowl ads. And that is the best advertising of the year. That is when people realize they're going to be compared directly against other ads.”

“We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.”

“When I was a comic in the 1980s, I was on the road somewhere every day, and I'd get back to the hotel, and it was Carson and Letterman, and I looked forward to that all day.”

“My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.”

“A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.”

“When you make a TV show, they always say you're a guest in someone's home. Online, you're a guest in someone's face. So that's why I try to make it sound and look and feel very inviting and attractive, because I know that I'm in your face.”

“Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.”

“A lot of times, you could play me just the laughs from my set, and I could tell you, from the laugh, what the joke was. Because they match.”

“When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.”

“I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.”

“The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!”

“I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.”

“We've fallen into a trap of ever-widening orbits of contact, and there is a total disregard for the present moment.”

“I like money, but it's never been about the money.”

“Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.”

“זה לא הזמן לשתוק לגבי אנטישמיות.”