Ron White

“My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.”

“I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.”

“Somebody the other day had a review, called me 'America's reprobate.' And I don't even know what that means, but I kinda like the way it sounds.”

“It never dawned on me that I had the option of becoming a comedian. I come from a little dirt street town in northwest Texas, and they really don't talk about the arts there much on career day.”

“Let's face it: a lot of my material comes from the stuff that happens to me on the road.”

“I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.”

“Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.”

“I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.”

“When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable - onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.”

“I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.”

“You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.”

“I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.”

“I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever - plumbers and drywall hangers.”

“Donald Trump - and I don't dislike Donald one single bit - has no idea how good the Mexican people are at building tunnels.”

“I think honest communication, no matter where it comes from, is positive for a relationship.”

“The only thing I really worry about is my live stand-up show because I have to answer to the fans.”

“The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.”

“I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!”

“Vegas is famous for a lot of things, and bad marriages are one of them. Margo and I are proof that you can make this work. It just takes a little effort.”

“If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.”