Ron White

“I believe everything creative is somewhat collaborative. If you're a painter and someone stretches your canvas, it was collaborative on some level.”

“It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.”

“My only goal is to make you laugh, not tell you the truth.”

“The way my brain processes information is quite odd. I mean, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and another learning disability I can't even spell. I don't even have a high school diploma. I'm smart, but you can't prove it on paper.”

“As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.”

“There's no such thing as a hit joke.”

“I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.”

“The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.”

“Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.”

“I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.”

“I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.”

“There have been times when I played more than others, but I've been a road comic for a quarter of a century, so I've always played golf on the road because you have a lot of time to kill.”

“The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.”

“If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.”

“I've got a great cigar collection - it's actually not a collection, because that would imply I wasn't going to smoke every last one of 'em.”

“I do live like a rock star, but it's not as great as it sounds. It's a lot of traveling.”

“I don't do any corporate work.”

“There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.”

“The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.”

“My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan - thin, slow, and it leaks.”