Rita Rudner

“You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.”

“I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.”

“I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“When you're a dancer, you start with the basics. You don't all of a sudden do a grand jete and pirouette. You start with first position, second, third.”

“I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.”

“If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.”

“My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.'”

“While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.”

“I have no organisational skills. All my energy goes into worry - worrying takes a lot of energy.”

“I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.”

“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.”

“I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.”

“The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.”

“I just love dogs, and there really is no better companion than an animal.”

“I have too many credit cards. You know what happened? Someone stole one and I didn't notice. I noticed when I got that bill. Whoa! It was so much less! I'm letting him keep it. I'm saving money!”

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?”

“It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.”

“אני תוהה אם שאר הכלבים חושבים שפודלים הם חברים באיזושהי כת דתית מוזרה.”