Ralphie May

“I'm dirty, I'm irreverent - but I'm still a very topical comedian.”

“I know I wanted to be a comic when I was nine. I was thirteen the first time I did it. I was attending a Methodist Church youth retreat at the University of Southern Alabama. They held a talent show on the last night. I won, and then I made out with a 14-year-old girl from Prattville, Alabama.”

“I'm not PC all the time in my phrasing, because that meets a wall; people won't hear it.”

“I go out and I meet people after the show, I take every picture that they ask for, I sign every autograph that they want. You know, there's merchandise for sale, but people don't have to buy anything. I'll sign their tickets, I'll sign whatever they want me to, I'll get a picture with them and I'll stay there with them as long as they want.”

“My name is Ralphie. How many Ralphie's do you know? It's unique.”

“I'm a fan of old vaudeville theaters.”

“You talk to - I had a good fortune of getting to spend a lot of time with Uncle Miltie and guys like Buddy Hackett before they passed away.”

“As a man in a relationship, you have a choice: You can be right or you can be happy.”

“We are all fingers on the same hand. We may not look alike, but we are all needed.”

“When somebody's different, it's so easy to dismiss what people say because of what they look like. They really want to judge the book by its cover.”

“I'm too far to the left for some, too far to the right for others. I'm my own brand of comedy.”

“Michigan... it's a great state... somewhere.”

“I'm blue collar, which means white trash with a job. But it also means people who take pride in what they do.”

“Some nights you walk off stage and go 'That was a good crowd.'”

“I think we can do better with our politicians. I think I'd make a good one, because I like people.”

“I'm too blunt, too matter-of-fact and not PC enough.”

“I've been enjoying classes at the gym, where people look at me because I'm fat. At the end of the workout, they're sucking air and I've beaten them because I have more heart, because I had it much harder.”

“I don't go to comedy clubs unless I'm working. And when I do work, I come in, I do my time and I leave. I don't hang out.”

“If people get their feelings hurt from jokes, then they are too delicate to be in society.”

“I'm topical as hell. That's not going to change if I lose weight. There are a lot of comics that do 'fat jokes' better than I do - Louie Anderson, John Pinette, Gabriel Iglesias. These guys are phenomenal.”