Ralphie May

“I mean, comics fear sue - you know, lawsuits and stuff like that, just because they don't like to do paperwork.”

“I never wanted to be known as a fat comic, just a comic who happens to be fat.”

“I live in a dangerous part of Los Angeles. It's called... Los Angeles.”

“I keep my nose clean. I let the drama go on with somebody else.”

“America thinks if you're fat, you're stupid. That's great. I want them to keep thinking that. Let them keep on thinking that because the truth is, the expectations are blown away even more when you realize what I'm saying and doing.”

“I think there's too much emphasis on making sure our corporations are OK versus making sure our people are OK.”

“I know a way for no Americans to die in Iraq: Leave.”

“I'm an entertainer first. But I do as a stand up comedian, the way for me to evolve is to make a difference, to make people laugh and learn and do something different. Because there's too many comedians out there just making people laugh. And anybody can do that.”

“I want more stand-up comics in prime time. It's great for every comedian.”

“People don't know where to place me, and I think that's why my audience is so big.”

“The iPhone rules, but it does everything but get a call, you know? I can't tell you how many times my wife has been madder at me because cell phone coverage dropped and she thought I hung up on her.”

“Consumers of comedy, they like me and that's great.”

“I didn't get into comedy to be loved by everybody.”

“Most comics give you what you want. I give you what you need.”

“I'm not crooked, and I want to help people.”

“When I do jokes that maybe are seen as social commentary, I research them to the nth degree. I probably do more research than I do actual joke writing. I want to make sure what I'm saying is correct.”

“I've had allergies since I was a kid.”

“I'm too Southern.”

“I don't need the fame or power.”

“The perception of fat people in America is that they're fat, therefore they're dumb, they're lazy, and they must stink.”