Phyllis Diller

“I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'”

“The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.”

“If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.”

“I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.”

“My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.”

“Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.”

“Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?”

“Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.”