Phyllis Diller

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.”

“My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.”

“Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card”

“We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.”

“Housework won't kill you, but then again, why take the chance?”

“Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.”

“The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.”

“His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.”

“I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.”

“I wanted to become me, totally me. The more me, the better. I instinctively knew this and I was right.”

“We spend the first 12 months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next 12 months teaching them to sit down and shut up.”

“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”

“Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.”

“The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.”

“It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep, or I'd be rotten to the core.”

“A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.”

“Women want men, careers, money, children, friends, luxury, comfort, independence, freedom, respect, love, and a three-dollar pantyhose that won't run.”

“I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.”

“What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”

“I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.”