Phyllis Diller

“Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.”

“You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.”

“You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.”

“My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.”

“My father used to call me the laughing hyena.”

“Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.”

“Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.”

“The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.”

“My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.”

“Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.”

“I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?”

“Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.”

“My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.”

“The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.”

“Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.”

“There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.”

“A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.”

“You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.”

“A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.”

“Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.”