Pete Holmes

“I thought divorce was for people that threw plates at each other, and I'd have to be an alcoholic or having affairs. But the truth is, sometimes a very sweet, well-meaning person just doesn't do it for you, and you need to get out of there.”

“When I started, I was very deliberate about making friends with people like John Mulaney who were really funny and wanted to go up and do as many open mics as I did.”

“I was raised evangelical, so if you want to get offended, let's get offended. I have a master's degree in being offended.”

“Dorks are not exempt from bad behaviour.”

“I love Jon Stewart.”

“The beautiful thing about stand-up advice is that it applies to anybody, any gender, any race, any age. The best thing you can do - everybody will tell you - is get on stage as much as you can. I would add to that: get on stage as much as you can - with the people you admire.”

“I'm not the hugest comic book person, but I do love superheroes.”

“If I open a Batman book, and he doesn't look right, I can't do it. It has so much to do with the art.”

“I'm super happy to say that it's not that hard to write bad stand-up. I guess the trick is to write bad stand-up that sounds like you're trying to be good.”

“I love alpha males.”

“If I go out and do a set, there's a good chance that I'll watch another comedian. I'll think - not necessarily their words, but oftentimes the message that's behind the words - the sort of belief that their unspokenly advocating, well, sometimes that's offensive.”

“There are elements of comedy that can be competitive and back stab-y, but one of the underreported sides is that we love each other and help each other, kind of like a messed up extended family.”

“I used to just want so badly to have afterlife insured and make sure I was going to heaven.”

“Ideally, a good pastor wants to empower a congregation to the point where they don't need him. You want everyone to leave feeling better.”

“The idea of saying 'the handsome Pete Holmes' is preposterous.”

“So we have the story of who we are. I'm a man, and I'm a comedian, and I'm a tall man. I have big teeth and all these things, and I like the first two Batman movies, and I don't drink coffee, or whatever it is.”

“Every human being can relate to wanting their thoughts and their feelings to be accepted and rewarded and validated. So in that way, a stand-up is similar to almost any profession. It's very simply just someone who wants to be heard and live authentically and express themselves.”

“It's funny - the reason I started doing a podcast was because every time I was on someone else's podcast, I would take it over a little bit.”

“I think my mom recognized that I liked people to be happy. I like people to get along. And I like to be a peacemaker. And I liked the church. So she was like, 'You should be a youth pastor.'”

“When I grew up, my model of God was like a lifeguard: I knew He loved me, but He blew his whistle a lot.”