Pete Holmes

“There's something about a podcast that feels like two people in a closet with the lights off.”

“When it comes to being called a pronoun, sometimes I like to call other people 'me.' I go, like, 'Oh, these mes voted for Trump. This me is begging for change. This me is driving me to the airport.' I find that useful instead of going, like - because it's so pleasant to go 'you.'”

“Life is temporary. We die one day. Live it up!”

“When you do stand-up, it's so autonomous: I can say anything.”

“I'll admit that I'm self-centered - all of us are - but I can also be external and giving and listening and empathetic and all that sort of stuff.”

“When you think about a festival from a comedian's perspective, it has to do with who else does it - that's number one. The second consideration - and this is kind of crazy - is: 'What's the food like? What is the town like? Is it walkable? Is it easy to get around?'”

“I am a comedian. My brain is critical - it's overthinking - but you can find ways to turn it down and realize that's not who you really are.”

“The skill set of pastor and comedian are incredibly similar. You want to affect people. You're good at reading rooms. You're persuasive, and you're likable.”

“Traffic: Sit there. Sit. Occasionally move your foot from the brake and crawl forward, then put it back. That's all you do for hours. It's very calming.”

“When my wife left me, in real life, T. J. Miller was like, 'I'm shooting a movie in Pittsburgh. I'll fly you out and get you a hotel room,' and I spent a week with him.”

“Comedians really are like a species. That's not to be exclusive. Anyone can kind of become one. You have to pay your dues, though.”

“When you slide into television, no one tells you exactly how manage expectations and work with your staff.”

“When I got divorced, the first people I called were Nick Kroll and John Mulaney and T. J. Miller - all the pals.”

“I saved my money.”

“I really love the Frank Miller 'Year One' stuff.”

“I can't speak for everybody. But I will say that for me, when I've been depressed - and I get depressed. I have irrational bouts of anxiety. I have random FedEx deliveries of despondency. Just like, 'I didn't order this. Oh, well, keep the PJs on, cancel everything you're doing today. It's time to take a sad shower.'”

“I needed to let go of the idea of a God who was mad at me for feeling how I was feeling. Now, I bask in an understanding of the divine that delights in truth and the complexities of the human experience - even when it's not very 'clean.'”

“I always wanted to do something about what it's like to get divorced, especially when it's a young marriage to start with.”

“When I look at what's happening with #MeToo, my heart breaks, basically, for everybody involved.”

“Literally, my honeymoon was driving to Chicago.”