Lisa Lampanelli

“I remember, after the Pamela Anderson roast, being told, 'You're sold out - you can add two more shows.'”

“I say every slur on the planet - racial, homosexual, everything to do with every ethnic group on the planet - and guess what? I will never apologize for that because I know why I do it, and it is to make a valid point about ignorance in this society.”

“I lasted seven years as a journalist, and I've been doing comedy for twenty years.”

“I'm a take-no-prisoners type of comic, and I'm lucky because my fans get me and never have a problem with the politically incorrect themes of my act. But I am continually amazed by how a certain section of our society seems to be so freakin' sensitive about jokes.”

“I've never wanted to be a person where somebody would be like, 'I like her; she's okay.' Love or hate is fine, because it sells tickets.”

“When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.”

“This thing happened where I noticed anytime I got together with four friends or more, the conversation goes to food.”

“With Don Rickles and me, we're just telling the truth. We're not terrific people, and we're not gonna win the beauty contest. We're just average Joes. We're just being who we are, and I think people like that.”

“I've gone through literally over 30 years of struggle with weight and food and body image... and I'm like, 'Wait a minute.'”

“I'm not looking for 'outer esteem' anymore, what they call 'other esteem.' I'm looking for self-esteem. And people think that self-esteem is built with accomplishments. And, 'Hey, look what I did in my life.'”

“When I decided to do 'The Celebrity Apprentice,' there was absolutely no question that I would play the game for GMHC.”

“Mr. Trump, I really can't comment, because he was my boss on 'Celebrity Apprentice,' and I just don't think we should let him be president until he produces evidence that the thing on his head is real. Because he wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, we should ask for a certificate of real hair.”

“I'm always proud of what I've done and what I continue to do.”

“Andy Dick is so gay, he thinks Margaret Cho is funny.”

“I wasn't ready to be a dog's mother! Trust me, I'm completely unfit and irresponsible. I'm a comic that travels 48 weeks a year, but I make it work, so you can, too.”

“I'm obsessed with reality TV anyway - I use my knowledge of that stuff to make jokes on Twitter and Facebook to get more people to sign up to be fans.”

“I gained weight, and that started a 32-year struggle with weight and exercise and body image problems.”

“Betty White is so old that on her first game show ever, the prize was fire.”

“I order food like a normal human being. If I'm out to lunch, I'm going to order three courses like everybody else. I'm not going to feel like some kind of freak.”

“What you bring to the stage is what you are in real life... people sense that.”