Lewis Grizzard

“I'd like to know what I could do if I really had the time to spend on writing a book, with no columns or shows to do at the same time.”

“I gave 738 Rotary Club speeches, and it was just driving me crazy, so someone said, 'Why don't you charge money?'”

“I went last week to get hypnotized. To quit smoking. And the hypnotist said, 'The reason you smoke is you're bitter and depressed.' No, the reason I smoke is the little sucker tastes so good.”

“I'm a staunch believer in enterprise, and I'm glad I live in a country where - I don't think some people understand this, but if I work hard, I get rewarded for it.”

“It's difficult to think anything but pleasant thoughts while eating a homegrown tomato.”

“The game of life is a lot like football. You have to tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity.”

“I think people are a lot more sensitive than they used to be, and quite rightly so. I don't think we should be using racial jokes and things like that.”

“Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.”

“I don't think I'm a bigot or a racist. But I have a truck, a Blazer. I drink beer. There are some women I do hate.”

“Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.”

“Yankees don't understand that the Southern way of talking is a language of nuance. What we can do in the South is we can take a word and change it just a little bit and make it mean something altogether different.”

“You can write the best column in the world on Monday, and it does you absolutely no good on Tuesday. There is no way to win. You just write until you are tired, they fire you, or you die.”

“The South is the last place with a sense of place.”

“Things are more complex today, and I think humor has changed a a great deal. People are more sensitive today.”

“'Redneck' has been terribly abused as a term. Where I come from, a redneck was a farmer who worked the fields all day and got his neck sunburned. People made fun of them.”

“I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.”

“I don't know how I do it, but I've written about everything. I've written about my shoes.”

“I write 200 columns a year, you know. That means I have to have 200 opinions a year. Sometimes, I don't give a damn one way or the other, but that's my job, so I got to take a side.”

“I wish one time in my life I could do what other writers do... get me a villa in Spain and go there to write a book.”

“There's no such thing as being too Southern.”