Jeff Foxworthy

“I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.”

“Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.”

“When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.”

“It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.”

“It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.”

“We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.”

“Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.”

“Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.”

“My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!”

“Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.”

“That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.”

“I know God is real.”

“If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'”

“The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.”

“The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.”

“Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.”

“Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.”

“I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.”