Jeff Foxworthy

“If men have a smell it's usually an accident.”

“I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.”

“Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?”

“I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.”

“I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.”

“If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.”

“You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!”

“I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.”

“Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.”

“Country music is about new love and it's about old love.”

“You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.”

“For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.”

“The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.”

“I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.”

“You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.”

“Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.”

“I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead”

“You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.”

“I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.”

“What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.”