Fred Allen

“I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.”

“Television is a device that permits people who haven't anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.”

“Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style; it will just look ridiculous year after year.”

“All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.”

“A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.”

“We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.”

“My uncle is a Southern planter. He's an undertaker in Alabama.”

“During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.”

“An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.”

“I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.”

“A committee is a group of the unprepared, appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.”

“Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church. They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.”