Fred Allen

“A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.”

“Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.”

“The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's lane holding his own hand.”

“Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.”

“I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.”

“Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.”

“California is a great place to live if you're an orange.”

“What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.”

“Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.”

“If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.”

“An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood who will associate with a producer.”

“I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.”

“My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.”

“A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing, but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.”

“All I know about humour is that I don't know anything about it.”

“Television is the triumph of machine over people.”

“Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.”

“The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.”

“Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats; then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.”

“Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.”