Fran Lebowitz

“My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends only to such public areas as restaurants, airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks, and department stores. Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.”

“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.”

“Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.”

“Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast, the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.”

“I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.”

“If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.”

“Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.”

“There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.”

“Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.”

“Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults. Few can carry it off successfully.”

“There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.”

“Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.”

“If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.”

“You're only as good as your last haircut.”

“Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.”

“When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.”

“Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.”

“I must take issue with the term 'a mere child', for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.”

“Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.”

“My favorite animal is steak.”