Eoin Colfer

“Excuse me, Tex," the nurse said, hands on hips. 'Would you mind reining in the voice. There are babies being born in this hospital. We wouldn't want the first sound they hear to be your painful howling. There could be lawsuits.”

“When I went to school, I was already reading and writing. In fact, I was offended that the other kids couldn't.”

“So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?""That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.""Oh, really?""O'Reilly, actually. But what's a vowel between friends?""Very good. You should be on the stage.""It's funny you should mention that."The passport officer groaned. Ten more minutes and his shift would have been over. "I was being sarcastic, actually”

“He had seen bigger men than he with mummy's handkerchief clutched in on hand and a bloody dagger in the other.”

“The Theory of Evolution has more holes in it than a dam made out of Swiss cheese.”

“Doobie always wanted to see the badge. It was shiny, and he was eight.”

“I am perhaps unusual in that I came to 'Doctor Who' through the numerous novelisations and not through the television show.”

“I am charging you with the protection of my mother and friends, not to mention keeping my younger self off the Internet. He is as dangerous as Opal.”

“... even one centimetre can make an awful lot of difference when you don't have many to spare.”

“Artemis: (shocked) Why, Doctor? This is a sensitive area. For all you know I could be suffering from depression. Doctor Po: I suppose you could. Is that the case? Artemis: (head in hands) It's my mother, Doctor. Doctor Po: Yes? Artemis: My mother, she... Doctor Po: Your mother, yes? Artemis: She forces me to endure this ridiculous therapy when the school's so-called counsellors are little better than misguided do-gooders with degrees.”

“What's that supposed to mean? A wolf's head on a stick. Big wolf barbecue tonight? Bring your own wolf?”

“I'm the crazy girly captain, Remember?”

“Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.”

“Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over”

“Knock yourself out... Or rather, don't.”

“I bet," said Mulch, "that you would set the world on fire just to watch it burn."Opal tapped the suggestion into a small electronic notepad on her pocket computer.Thanks for that. Now, tell me everything.”

“Shut up, Julius! I mean, quiet a moment, Commander.”

“Are you an angel or a devil, sir? I need to know. Are you taking me up or down?”

“I do like to read in bed, but because I have two kids I'm often forced to read in the bathroom.”

“Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder”