A biography for David Lettermanhasn’t been written yet.
“As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.”
“No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.”
“President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”
“It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.”
“There is no off position on the genius switch.”
“For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.”
“Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.”
“Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.”
“I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.”
“Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.”
“I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.”
“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”
“There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.”
“Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?”
“Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?”
“We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.”
“I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.”
“Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.”
“We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.”
“I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.”