A biography for David Lettermanhasn’t been written yet.
“If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.”
“There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.”
“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”
“President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.”
“Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.”
“People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.”
“Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.”
“I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.”
“The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.”
“The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.”
“It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?”
“I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.”
“New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.”
“The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.”
“Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.”
“New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”
“We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.”
“A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.”
“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.”
“The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.”