Dave Barry

“Panicky despair is an underrated element of writing.”

“The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.”

“It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.”

“I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories.”

“We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.”

“As you get older; you've probably noticed that you tend to forget things. You'll be talking with somebody at a party, and you'll know that you know this person, but no matter how hard you try, you can't remember his or her name. This can be very embarassing, especially if he or she turns out to be your spouse.”

“I want a pit crew... I hate the procedure I currently have to go through when I have car problems.”

“We operate under a jury system in this country, and as much as we complain about it, we have to admit that we know of no better system, except possibly flipping a coin.”

“For me, the worst part of playing golf, by far, has always been hitting the ball.”

“The problem with winter sports is that - follow me closely here - they generally take place in winter.”

“The Sixties are now considered a historical period, just like the Roman Empire.”

“Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.”

“To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.”

“Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.”

“I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly for the purpose of diddling with his computer.”

“I have been a gigantic Rolling Stones fan since approximately the Spanish-American War.”

“We don't shoot somebody soon, I'm gonna forget how”

“Bill Gates is a very rich man today... and do you want to know why? The answer is one word: versions.”

“Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?”

“In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act, which, as any American high school student can tell you, was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.”