A biography for Dave Barryhasn’t been written yet.
“The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.”
“Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.”
“Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have to do is think up a certain number of words! Plus, you can repeat words! And they don't even have to be true!”
“I love the Olympics, because they enable people from all over the world to come together and--regardless of their political or cultural differences--accuse each other of cheating.”
“The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.”
“Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.”
“Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.”
“If you were to open up a baby's head - and I am not for a moment suggesting that you should - you would find nothing but an enormous drool gland.”
“Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.”
“The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.”
“Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.”
“There comes a time in a man's life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.”
“If you have a big enough dictionary, just about everything is a word.”
“The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.”
“You can only be young once. But you can always be immature.”
“I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated, so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.”
“If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.”
“It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.”
“Guys are simple... women are not simple and they always assume that men must be just as complicated as they are, only way more mysterious. The whole point is guys are not thinking much. They are just what they appear to be. Tragically.”
“But if I hadn't shoved you off the boat back there,you'd be lost at sea now,wouldn't you? We'd all be lost! So thanks to me you're all standing on land."(Pirates, its a good thing they're idiots)”