Dave Barry

“There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more than an abridged dictionary.”

“Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.”

“The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot be explained by the laws of logic or science. Dennis Rodman is only one example.”

“In the words of a very famous dead person, 'A nation that does not know its history is doomed to do poorly on the Scholastic Aptitude Test.”

“When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.”

“Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.”

“The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.”

“Aside from velcro, time is the most mysterious substance in the universe. You can't see it or touch it, yet a plumber can charge you upwards of seventy-five dollars per hour for it, without necessarily fixing anything.”

“We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.”

“What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person may seem like an absolute scream to another person, especially if he has had between four and seven beers.”

“At a national political convention, you have hundreds of people who consider themselves at least as important as the Secretary of Commerce. If it's a Democratic convention, you also have dozens of A-list Hollywood and music celebrities. (If it's a Republican convention, you have Bo Derek.) Also you have swarms of lower-ranking Washington minions with titles like Deputy Assistant to the Associate Deputy Assistant Chief of Staff who are trying to move up the ladder to Deputy Associate to the Assistant Acting Deputy Assistant Understudy.”

“I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.”

“Eugene is located in western Oregon, approximately 278 billion miles from anything.”

“As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than, for example, Dracula.”

“To better understand why you need a personal computer, let's take a look at the pathetic mess you call your life.”

“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

“In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for anything until about 1926 was stupid.”

“The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.”

“בלי שמץ של ספק, בירה היא ההמצאה הגדולה ביותר של האדם. נכון, גם הגלגל היא המצאה לא רעה, אבל הגלגל אפילו לא מתקרב להיות טוב עם פיצה כמו בירה.”

“לא כל הכימיקלים רעים, קחו לדוגמה את החמצן והמימן, המרכיבים של המים, והמים כידוע מרכיב מאוד חיוני בבירה.”