Craig Ferguson

“I'm crazy. I know I'm crazy 'cause Desmond Tutu told me, and he's very clever. He said, 'You must free yourself, be more of who you are. Be more crazy.' And I'm going to.”

“You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”

“By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!”

“Is it really that important? It's just television, for God's sake. It's not medicine or something.”

“He will know from and early age that failure is not disgrace. It's just a pitch that you missed, and you'd better get ready for the next one. The next one might be the shot heard round the world. My son and I are Americans, we prepare for glory by failing until we don't.”

“I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.”

“The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.”

“I've got young kids, so it suits me to do a job which keeps me in town right now.”

“If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.”

“They were singing, Gillette, the best a man can get, with a lot of guys hugging their fathers and sailing and riding bikes. I suddenly felt a long way from the best a man could get and I thought it would be nice to get from there to the best.”

“I hope what I do has an art to it, and as an artist you have to try new things and keep yourself entertained.”

“It's not that we fly by the seat of our pants. We're not afraid of failure.”

“I have to do a show which is of interest to me, or else I'm lost.”

“The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.”

“Sometimes they would just pay me to stay home and not do anything else, which sounds fantastic but doesn't do much for your ego. Its probably a little like getting alimony-the money is nice but has a nasty aftertaste.”

“Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.”

“The truth is, you win the Lotto. That's really how you have to approach it. You're a lottery winner when you get a sitcom and it goes.”

“I'm not aware of having a creepy laugh, but apparently I do.”

“Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.”

“For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.”