Craig Ferguson

“Jimmy put in a word and told them that if I made it, I wouldn't be able to live with myself without paying them back. That I'd sooner die than owe anyone money for helping me. Apparently Jimmy knew more about me at that point than I knew about myself.”

“Historically, when Americans don't know what to do next, they go to Paris. Benjamin Franklin is like: 'What am I going to do now? I'll go to Paris!'”

“All they teach you in drama school is how to do stage fights and be a pain in rehearsals.”

“It's very interesting to know what people are doing while you're working on late-night television.”

“I've been running my whole life. Running into bars, running around the world. But when you have a child, you can't run. That was a revelation.”

“I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.”

“Why do people do things that they fear? It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

“Oh Satan you're a wily one.”

“I aim to please. I'm nothing if not a vaudevillian.”

“I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it”

“Hey dawg, wassup?" he said, in the strange way that white talent agents from Los Angeles do in an attempt to sound like young black men from underprivileged backgrounds. A linguistic fashion as peculiar as the lisp that everybody in medieval Spain had to adopt after the king developed a speech impediment.”

“My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.”

“I think comedy comes more from a low sense of self-esteem, and I certainly have that.”

“She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy.I do have a knack for finding great women.”

“I took the sleeper out of Glasgow, and as the smelly old train bumped out of Central Station and across the Jamaica Street Bridge, I stared out at the orange halogen streetlamps reflected in the black water of the river Clyde. I gazed at the crumbling Victorian buildings that would soon be sandblasted and renovated into yuppie hutches. I watched the revelers and rascals traverse the shiny wet streets. I thought of the thrill and danger of my youth and the fear and frustration of my adult life thus far. I thought of the failure of my marriage and my failures as a man. I saw all this through my reflection in the nighttime window. Down the tracks I went, hardly aware that I was going further south with every passing second.”

“I'm careful with money.”

“It's like, it's kind of like if you ever had a car and it was a bit of a clunker but you love it, that's my show. It's a bit of a clunker but I know where everything is and I like it.”

“Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.”

“I don't get emails from my corporate overlords.”

“I dropped out of high school when I was 16, after I had a huge argument with my English teacher over the meaning of the word 'existentialism.'”