Craig Ferguson

“The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.”

“I've got mixed feelings about poetry cause done well poetry is fantastic. But not many people are capable of doing it well. I think you should have some kind of license to perform poetry. A poetic license perhaps.”

“With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.”

“There's just a feeling you get from certain things you do in life that just kind of feel pure and independent of what's actually, physically, going on.”

“I do a show. It comes on late at night on TV. And if that means I'm a late-night talk show host, then I guess I am, but in every other regard I resign my commission, I don't care for it.”

“Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.”

“Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.”

“Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.”

“A lot of people come to L.A. looking for something. What I came here for, I realize now, is to be okay with myself.”

“It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.”

“I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.”

“I've started looking at my own father a bit funny. He assures me, though, that I really am the son of a Scottish postman.”

“I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.”

“I think I'm just someone that just tries to get by. I'm kind of - if it was during the Second World War, I'd be a black marketeer, I think.”

“A friend of mine that I was in a band with started me on Kafka, which in turn led to Camus and Sartre.”

“On that same tour we ran into a band at Aylesbury Friars, a biggish venue in Oxfordshire, England. They were a four-piece from Ireland called U2. They seemed like nice fellows and they sounded pretty good, but we didn’t keep in touch. They’re probably taxi drivers and accountants by now.”

“That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.”

“Being an American is something I wanted to be for a very long time, probably since I saw the moon landing when I was a child.”

“I try and live my life in bite-size chunks.”

“I'm reading a book, because I'm brainy. No, it is a book - if you don't know, it is like a blog except bigger.”