Chelsea Handler

“Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.”

“It takes me a while to get my appetite going when I wake up early.”

“The love that comes from friendship is the underlying facet of a happy life.”

“We women have to stick together.”

“One of my girlfriends was getting married. This was becoming an annoying pattern.”

“I like being able to, you know, pack up and leave the country and hop on a plane and go wherever I want and stay wherever and bring my friends with me and bring my family on vacation. That's amazing.”

“I like to celebrate my life. I have a life that I'm really lucky to have, and so I want to make sure every minute counts and that I go on great vacations and I share my memories with people that I love and that will make me laugh and lalalalalala.”

“I don't appreciate people who celebrate their dog's birthdays with "dog parties," and then invite their friends who don't even have dogs. I understand why people like dogs, and I think they definitely bring more to the table than cats or those godforsaken ferrets, but I don't think it's healthy for people to treat their dogs like they are real people.”

“Men are always like, 'You're so intimidating.' I don't find myself to be. But whatever - I'm not going to try to be less intimidating. It's just a matter of finding a guy who's able to deal with it.”

“Everything isn't permanent, so don't pretend that it is. Everything's supposed to move and shift.”

“That's my biggest struggle, is maintaining a personal romantic relationship. It takes a lot of effort.”

“Jews are underdogs - not in my world, obviously, they're not.”

“People are following me because they want to see pictures of me. So why is Instagram editing them?”

“I don't think I'm a good host. I'm not a good host. I'm terrible at hosting. That's my problem.”

“Stand-up was my entree into the entertainment world. I didn't have to act out somebody else's words. I could just stand there with a microphone, and nobody would interrupt me. It's the most narcissistic thing you could probably do.”

“We're seeking out such grossness in human behavior and want such mindless entertainment. 'The Real Housewives of Atlanta' and some of these other shows are more racist. Or '16 and Pregnant.' Getting rewarded for being pregnant when you're a teenager? Are you serious?”

“I'm really into the human interest thing. I really like regular people.”

“I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.”

“After discovering him in his threesome, I spent the next two weeks in bed suffering from a severe case of vagina elbow. It's a condition not unlike tennis elbow, but you get it from masturbating.”

“I don't like speaking publicly when I don't have to be funny.”