Chelsea Handler

“We checked our bags and got on line with some of our fellow passengers. Judging from the looks of them, it was clear that they were members of a different income bracket from the people I preferred to surround myself with. But since I also wasn't from the income bracket I preferred, I held off on voicing my initial feelings of despair.”

“I've always been exactly who I am on TV. I'm not playing a role.”

“I had always dreamed of being a professional escort but never thought that there was any real money in it.”

“I always thought to myself, 'I don't want to be doing stand-up when I'm 40 years old.'”

“I'm a late-night host that doesn't want to be tied down by time or television or even hosting.”

“I try not to apologize, especially publicly. That's a slippery slope, because I'm a comedian. If you take anything I'm saying too seriously, then you shouldn't be paying attention in the first place. If you find me offensive, don't follow me.”

“There are many ways to get to know someone, and my favorite is seeing them naked in Happy Baby pose.I also feel it is important to have sex soon after meeting someone in order to find out if you have sexual chemistry together. Otherwise, you could wait two to three months after you start dating someone only to discover that your new boyfriend is bad in bed, or even worse, is into anal beads and duct tape.”

“I started my own business because my parents had no dowry for me, and I was worried. I ran it from their Martha Vineyard's summer house. I baby-sat for a 14-year-old boy all summer and was giving him time-outs, even though I was two years younger than him.”

“Once I turned 40, my whole life changed in the most mature - not boring way but much cooler way. I feel much more like an adult.”

“My position as the best-selling author at E! is secure - unless Salman Rushdie develops a show with them.”

“It's a dream come true to have someone else portray me. Because I've been living this life for a long time, and I'm over myself.”

“I have always maintained a strong opposition to marriage because I would have to be in serious denial to pretend I wasn't born with a personality for divorce. Whatever the opposite of amicable is, that's how my breakups tend to play out.”

“This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.”

“Even my Mormon sister checks my rankings on Amazon.com.”

“I've always had a problem with authority. That's why I had to be my own boss.”

“I was broke from 19 to 26, borrowing money from my parents or my brothers or sisters every week to pay the bills.”

“I have a huge impact with young girls. Young women. That's my demographic.”

“You either become like your parents or you become the opposite of your parents. And I like to think that I'm the opposite of my parents.”

“My relationship with my father had been on the proverbial fritz since the time I was fifteen and called the police to report him for child molesting. He had never molested me, but I wanted to have a party that weekend and needed him out of the house.”

“While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.”