A biography for Chelsea Handlerhasn’t been written yet.
“I'm not friends with any of my exes, and I've never understood the appeal.”
“There's times where you think, 'Gosh, what if nobody ever wants to hear what I have to say?'”
“I'm into politics, and I love watching the heavier news magazine shows.”
“There are some really interesting celebrities and people who are fun to interview, but when you have to do it every day because you have to fill a slot, the allure wears off.”
“Some people think Hollywood is shallow. I find that it's home.”
“Every time I enter a country and have to write down my occupation at customs, I'm like, 'I don't know... Author? Host? Writer? Stand-up?' I usually write 'author' - that's the safest bet.”
“I think comedy has to come from your authentic point of view.”
“The whole point of remaining on cable is to remain true to who I am. That's a bad, bad girl that got a big job.”
“I can't," I said. "I threw my back out masturbating.”
“E! has just become a sad, sad place to live. They don't know what they're doing; they have no ideas... everything they do just is a failure.”
“When you interview celebrities, they're so guarded so many times, they can't reveal anything.”
“I try not to cheat on my boyfriends when I have them.”
“There was never a moment when I was like, 'I'm going to enter the public conversation on the importance of female nudity.'”
“Some people have a phobia of midgets. They're, like, scared of them. I have the opposite - I see them, and I want to hold them down, cuddle them, be like, 'Come here, you little nugget. Who's your mommy now?' So cute!”
“In a relationship, the sum of your parts should equal more than just you by yourself. He needs to bring something new and different to the table to up the ante.”
“Some men are just disgusted with me and think I should have my mouth sewn shut.”
“Jennifer Aniston is one of the most down-to-earth, low-key people I know.”
“Another thing I take issue with are people who take their dogs on "play dates," or even worse, people who choose to dress their dogs up in outfits better suited for homosexuals participating in a gay pride parade. Dog costumes are right up there with something else I find particularly offensive: sweater vests.”
“Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.”