Billy Connolly

“My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.”

“Heckling is an act of cowardice. If you want to speak, get up in front of the microphone and speak, don't sit in the dark hiding. It's easy to hide and shout and waste people's time.”

“I don't know why I should have to learn Algebra... I'm never likely to go there.”

“Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.”

“I don't believe in angels, no. But I do have a wee parking angel. It's on my dashboard and you wind it up. The wings flap and it's supposed to give you a parking space. It's worked so far.”

“I loathe hecklers. I haven't got a good syllable to say. When you come out of the club circuit and into the concert hall, they should be gone. There's an element of manners that should tell you that the ticket is dear and it's a different venue.”

“Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.”

“I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.”

“It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.”

“Once you become successful, people know where you live, the type of house you live in, the kind of car you drive, the clothes you wear, and so it would be patronising to go and talk like a welder. Welding's a mystery to me now. You can't go back, your life changes every day.”

“There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.”

“I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.”

“I don't aim to offend.”

“I've always been fascinated by the difference between the jokes you can tell your friends but you can't tell to an audience. There's a fine line you have to tread because you don't know who is out there in the auditorium. A lot of people are too easily offended.”

“I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.”

“If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?”

“I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.”

“The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.”

“I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.”

“I think my securities far outweigh my insecurities. I am not nearly as afraid of myself and my imagination as I used to be.”