Billy Connolly

“Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!”

“I don't have wild dogs chasing people with scripts away from my door. I get my share. I've done okay. But I usually do independent stuff because that's mostly what I'm offered.”

“Ally MacLeod thinks that tactics are a new kind of mint.”

“The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever becoming one.”"Don't vote. It just encourages them....”

“Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.”

“I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.”

“Oh, I can picture myself rattling along Route 66 on that thing, headphones on, singing along to ZZ Top's 'Sharp Dressed Man' or the opening line from 'Born to be Wild' by Steppenwolf - 'Get your motor running...' The trike brings out that in all of us, which is no bad thing. Forget Viagra, get yourself a trike!”

“Did your mother never tell you not to drink on an empty head?”

“I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.”

“I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.”

“As soon as I got successful, the Scottish press started picking on me. It's something they reserve just for me.”

“My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.”

“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.”

“Behind the proscenium arch, you can't always hear what people in the audience are saying.”

“The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.”

“I have been made redundant before and it is a terrible blow; redundant is a rotten word because it makes you think you are useless.”

“If you give people a chance, they shine.”

“I loved Japan. I used to read a lot about it when I was a child. And I always wanted to go. And it was delightful. I absolutely loved it. What a smashing place.”