Bert Kreischer

“My biggest regret is by far doing the Travel Channel show, 'Bert the Adventurer.' I spent seven years away from my family. I don't regret the job or working for the channel; I regret being away from home.”

“I love going on other people's podcasts - in my opinion not enough people ask me to be guests!”

“I'm such a lazy traveler. When I go to a city now, I hang out around the venue. I'm boring.”

“Men scream, that's why they gave us voices.”

“When people think of New York, they don't automatically think of going to Chelsea Piers and Pier 40, where you're going to find a soccer field, a baseball field, the trapeze and bowling alleys.”

“I'm a comedian. I want you to laugh. That's my main goal. I punch things up to get things tighter, quicker and get you to the joke faster.”

“My favorite thing to do is just hang out at home and watch a movie with my wife and my two daughters. There's nothing outrageous about that but it's the best thing I can do.”

“People take getting offended in L.A. to an art form.”

“I was in New York City and my sister and cousin came out to see me, and I brought a guitar on stage. But all the audience wanted was for me to play so they weren't listing to anything I was saying, I bombed hard. On the cab ride home, my sister pulled a sticker off the cab and put it on my guitar which I still have today in my man cave.”

“If there's an adrenaline rush, I will find it; if there's an anxiety attack, I will have it.”

“When I was on 'Hurt Bert' on FX - and I'm not crapping on FX, I'm just being honest - there was a point when I realized that they didn't care if I died. If I died, they'd say 'Of course it's a legal thing, but think of the numbers.'”

“I've always clowned around.”

“I did nine years with Travel Channel and had all of these incredible experiences.”

“I'm not technically brand-friendly to feminists.”

“There is nothing that I'm more compelled to do than get up in front of a crowd and make people laugh.”

“My personality has gotten me some really good job interviews in New York.”

“I love partying and I love laughing.”

“The first and last song I ever wrote was a ballad I was quite proud of, and one I would play for anyone, anywhere.”

“I run into guys all the time that say, 'Me and my three buddies started fat shaming each other and we collectively lost 130 pounds.'”

“I need someone to be like, 'I can beat Bert in a marathon.' And then my Mickey Mantle genes will kick in and I'll start going, 'No you can't. You can't beat me, because I'll beat myself.'”