A biography for Bauvardhasn’t been written yet.
“I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.”
“I had a dream about you. We couldn't decide on a sunrise. You wanted a tan, I only cared about the view. Then World War III fulfilled both our desires.”
“The problem with our society is that our values aren’t in the right place. There’s an awful lot of bleeding and naked bodies on prime-time networks, but not nearly enough cable television on public programming.”
“We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do,’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.”
“I had a dream about you. I was sitting on your couch, relating my succession of ideas on subconscious influence. I asked you what they meant, and you told me that free associations were a bad way to advance my political career.”
“Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.”
“We live in one of the few epochs of humanity where life isn't just a painful cycle of toil, fatigue, and collapse. Now pleasure gyrates us through those stages.”
“Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.”
“Some people won't have kids, but I’m not going to have parents. I’m burning their birth certificates and defacing their gravestones tonight.”
“I shed a tear when I meet somebody who always quits. Reliable people are so rare in this world.”
“Careers are not made in a family business, they are born – by patricide. Then they die from neglect, and avoid the tragedy of being put out of business.”
“Humor is not an end in itself, but a tool to understanding. A dense head must be tickled with an ax.”
“Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.”
“I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.”
“We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.”