Andy Kindler

“If everything was good, maybe I wouldn't have a career. I wouldn't have anything to make fun of.”

“The Comedy Bar is an intimate club, which I prefer. I refuse to play theatres, because large empty spaces make me nervous, and I don't enjoy the echo. I'm no sell out. Literally.”

“I try to go out for everything. I go out for any acting stuff that comes up, and voice-over stuff.”

“I have to say, after hanging out with Republicans for four days, I want to take a look at my own birth certificate. I don't think I was born in this country.”

“I'm not a confrontational person in real life, so I really don't wanna get into arguments or fistfights with people I'm making fun of.”

“I do notice a lot of people who want to shock to get laughs. It's such a tricky thing; you don't want to make rules about it. There's nobody more hilarious than Dave Attell, and he'd break every rule you set up. But he's funny.”

“Very unique: I was a singer-songwriter-guitarist. Very unusual in the late Seventies to find a singer-songwriter, and on top of that, a guitarist.”

“I've given myself permission to say whatever's on my mind when I'm on stage.”

“My goal isn't to wake up in the morning and hurt people's feelings.”

“I think that most people will spend their whole life not figuring out what they're meant to do, or figuring out what they're meant to do on their way to do something else. So I just feel lucky that I know what I love to do. Everything else figures itself out.”

“Louie is hugely talented. But I get very annoyed at the way the media... say, 'Louis C.K. is the greatest stand-up in the world.' He's not the greatest stand-up in the world. He's not funnier than Dave Attell.”

“I don't know what Tracy Morgan does onstage, but I can assure you, it's no act.”

“When did I start comedy? I came out of the womb and did 10 minutes.”

“I don't enjoy writing newspaper articles any more than people like reading them. I'm a standup comic, not a journalist, although sometimes onstage I will say: 'What else is in the news?' Writing is work, which I'm not comfortable with.”

“The right wing is appealing to a shrinking, shrinking demographic of angry white people who blame their predicament in life on the fact that there are immigrants coming into the country; it's pretty ludicrous.”

“I am the smartest comedian in the history of the world.”

“You can't go wrong with pizza, unless it's terrible pizza.”

“I'm still doing what I've always wanted to do, and how big it gets or how much money I make for it or how popular I am in the public's eye is really not that important, even though it's hard to let that go.”

“Nobody gets excited when they see me. If I put on my wizard outfit and walk around the airport for a couple of hours, I get a couple of puzzled glances.”

“I even get tired performing standup, which is normally a low-impact exercise in futility but looks hard the way I do it. That's why I take a lot of breaks, often stopping in the middle of a joke to catch my breath, or blame the crowd for not laughing before the punchline.”