Adam Carolla

“You don't cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.”

“No, I had not read any other comedian's book. Not that I don't enjoy other comedians; I'm just not a reader.”

“I'm a comedian, not a politician.”

“I could definitely see myself making a serious movie or a drama in the future.”

“I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.”

“My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.”

“I didn't have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.”

“I'm not sexist, I'm just a realist.”

“People look at me, and they go, 'You're white, you're smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.'”

“Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys. We're always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.”

“If Joy Behar or Sherri Shepherd was a dude, they'd be off TV. They're not funny enough for dudes. What if Roseanne Barr was a dude? Think we'd know who she was?”

“I'm a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.”

“Of course on air I use occasional hyperbole to tell a story.”

“Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.”

“I think we're getting to the point where everyone's getting fat and everyone's getting allergic, or claims to be allergic to something and people can't walk from their front door to their car without a bottle of water in their hand because they have to hydrate every three and half steps.”

“If in 1989 I said, 'I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,' they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.”

“I don't know anything about computers.”

“I used to be a Democrat, now I'm basically a Republican.”

“The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor, I'm just gonna tell her, 'Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they'll have to hire you, they can't really fire you, and you don't have to produce that much. It'll be awesome.'”

“Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don't vote that way.”