Zach Galifianakis

“I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.”

“I've been wanting kids for 10 years. I'd love to adopt, have them naturally - all of it. I want, like, 15.”

“I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.”

“When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria - not necessarily by choice - but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.”

“I've been happily dedicated to the same woman for a number of years. I never even look at other women.”

“I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.”

“I talk to younger actor types, and they bring up that word, 'brand,' and it's like, 'All right, if that's the way you want to look at yourself.' Diet Pepsi's a brand; you're a human being.”

“That show, 'The Amazing Race' - is that about white people?”

“I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.”

“We talked about politics constantly in my family growing up in North Carolina. There were always debates. Being of Greek background, it's in our blood to drink coffee and talk politics.”

“As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.”

“I think if they put a laugh track on 'Intervention,' it would be funny.”

“My real last name is Galifianakisburg.”

“Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.”

“I kind of put myself out there as is. I'm a quiet person. I don't know if that's surprising. I'm a Pilates junkie.”

“I get burned out on standup. But I like acting. I do like it. But sometimes you just feel like a monkey. You just feel like a complete tool. But I like it. I do like it. Stand-up is just more free. A lot more freedom because you just do what you want to do.”

“I used to be really cute. I could send you earlier photos where I'm stunning. But I've gained about twenty pounds over the past two years, and the more weight I've put on, the more success I've had. If you drew a diagram of weight gain and me getting more work, a mathematician would draw some conclusions from that.”

“I'm terrible about people wanting to take pictures with me. I'm a giant baby about it. They treat you like a cartoon. There's nothing you can do except make light of it. That's if I'm in the mood - sometimes I get superbummed.”

“A fantasy of mine is to do a podcast that's Marcel Marceau and I, and you only hear me laughing at him and trying to figure out what he's doing.”

“The congressmen and senators used to go have a drink in D.C. They would disagree all day long, but they would find that time to sit down and learn about each other personally. I think that's totally wiped out; I don't think it really exists anymore.”