Tommy Cooper

“Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.”

“A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'”

“I'm on a whisky diet... last week, I lost three days!”

“Electricity is a wonderful thing. Do you realise that if we didn't have electricity, we'd be watching television by candle light?”

“My wife had a bad habit of biting her nails, but I cured her. I hid her teeth.”

“Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!”

“My wife said, 'Take me in your arms and whisper something soft and sweet.' I said, 'chocolate fudge.'”