Tommy Cooper

“Last night I slept like a log. I woke up in the fire place.”

“I haven't got an ad lib for people throwing bread rolls at my hat.”

“So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'”

“The town was so dull: one day the tide went out, and it never came back.”

“Gambling has brought our family together. We had to move to a smaller house.”

“I bought some pork chops and told the butcher to make them lean. He said, 'Which way?'”

“They always say start at the bottom if you want to learn something. But suppose you want to learn to swim?”

“I always sit in the back of a plane. It's much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!”

“So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'”

“It doesn't matter how many times the audience has heard it before. If it's funny, it's funny.”

“Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.”

“It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.”

“A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'”

“So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'”

“I went into a French restaraunt and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'”

“I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.”

“I've got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!”

“I went window shopping today! I bought four windows.”

“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'”

“I'm recovering from a cold. I'm so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I'll cure someone.”