A biography for Tim Allenhasn’t been written yet.
“My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.”
“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.”
“Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.”
“The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.”
“I do a lot of family shows.”
“I have a thing for tools.”
“Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.”
“My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.”
“You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.”
“I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.”
“Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.”
“I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.”