Tim Allen

“It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.”

“In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.”

“Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.”

“I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.”

“In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.”

“I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.”

“Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.”

“For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.”

“I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.”

“I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?”

“Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.”

“I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.”

“In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.”

“Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.”

“I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.”

“The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.”

“Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.”

“When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.”

“I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.”

“While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.”