Steven Wright

“Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.”

“If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.”

“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”

“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I'm seeing the world partially through the eyes of a kid. Not all the time. There's no black and white to it. But sometimes I'm seeing it like I'm 4.”

“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”

“I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“What a nice night for an evening.”

“I like to reminisce with people I don't know.”

“There's something about being in front of a live audience that's fun. It's a really interesting, very electric, very alive, and intense experience, and you can't get it anywhere else. And I've been doing it since I was 23, so it's part of my being - it's part of my fabric as a person.”

“I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.”

“OK, so what's the speed of dark?”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”

“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.”

“I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”