Steven Wright

“Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.”

“Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.”

“It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.”

“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”

“George Carlin's album, 'Class Clown,' came out when I was in high school. I memorized a lot of that album. I'd come home from school, put it on, and listen over and over. I started memorizing it. I don't even know why. I loved it so much I memorized it.”

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?”

“Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”

“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”

“How young can you die of old age?”

“One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.”

“It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.”

“I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'”

“In a lot of ways, success is much harder than I thought it would be. I figured that you'd get here and then everything would be happily ever after. But, it's hard work, almost harder once you're successful because you've got to maintain it.”

“When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'”